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For those of you out there who have dipped into the disturbingly dire world of girl-on-girl porn available, I’m sure you’ve noticed… We’re not well represented. It’s obvious, the porn industry is completely male dominated, and here are 8 lies they’re telling us about how lesbians have sex.

  1. We All Have Long Hair

The image of on-screen lesbians is always the same. Basically, what a man would draw if asked to describe how the “ideal” image of what two women should look if they want to start frolicking with one another. There are no short haired, choppy fringed lesbians in these movies, no realistic examples of the gay community. It’s essentially the pornography equivalent of magazines using only skinny models in advertising; Which is pouting in perfect lip-gloss and like they’ve been sat in rollers for 5 hours pre-shoot.

  1. We Seduce Our Friends

Or massage clients. Or tennis pupils. Or maths tutors. I mean seriously, is the idea of two women having sex not intriguing enough as it is? We have to be whoring around with our most inappropriate acquaintances, or shoving our tongues down the throats of our Besties as we struggle to come to terms with our lesbian tendencies.

It’s highly incorrect and not realistic at all. We’re more likely to have had our first encounter with an equally closeted cohort. Not ritually and aggressively seduced our neighbour’s daughter.

  1. We All Have Long Nails

Don’t make me explain this one. We all know why lesbians can’t have long nails. Yet every woman in porn appears to have perfectly manicured, crotch-shreddingly long nails in every shot. Unrealistic, impractical and just downright painful. Hands off.

  1. It All Ends With A Penis

So many videos out there start off promising, but within a few minutes the Flesbians (fake lesbians) on screen will pull out a terrifyingly intrusive dildo or similar instrument, and proceed to poke at each other with it. Including putting it in each others mouths. I mean, seriously, this is clearly an ideology aimed at men wanting to enjoy woman-on-woman action. But not something that I think really happens.

If someone asked me to put a dildo in my mouth, I’d be mortified. Stop giving lesbians terrible ideas, Porn! Because somewhere out there, young and inexperienced lesbians are watching these videos and thinking that prodding your partners face with a phallic object is what gets us going. Not OK. I’m frowning over my keyboard at you as we speak. Do desist.

  1. Our Pretty Heels Remain On Throughout Sex

Most lesbians don’t own a pair of heels in the first place, especially not patent red stripper heels. So the image being shoved down the throats (figuratively speaking) of the porn-watching community that lesbians sport sultry footwear throughout sex is ludicrous. We don’t do it, especially considering stilettos and the dangerous implications of getting a sharp heel stuck in an unfortunate place. No thank you.

  1. We’re Always Spitting On Each Others Vaginas

I was really trying to avoid saying the word Vagina in this article, as my writing this coincides with my mother finding and following me on Twitter. (She had no idea I wrote about lesbians online, but managed to stalk me down somehow. Hi, Mum!)

But too many images in pornography involve women spitting in and around each others vaginas. Doesn’t that make you cringe?! Unless you’re into some form of S&M humiliation style foreplay, gobbing on each others privates has no place in lesbian sex. Not particularly inspiring. And highly unsanitary.

  1. A Third Player Is Essential

Multiple Flesbian Porn videos contain a third player, which is fine in theory, and could be great if executed correctly, but is almost always “Three Friends Hooking Up” which just doesn’t happen. The most likely scenario for real-life lady-loving-ladies to engage in three way sex would be a couple inviting an additional partner into the bedroom. And no, we’re not going to tell you how it was. No matter how much tequila you buy us. Although yes do keep trying. #FreeShots

  1. Scissoring

Fictional. Doesn’t happen. Not really. And if any of you out there have managed to make this a mutually satisfying experience, then I’m highly impressed. I consider that akin to sorcery. Now tribbing is slightly different, but as this is a very complicated distinction you can Google that. (Not you, Mum) 

***

So please stop it! I implore the powers that be to re-think their strategy and include some more realistic images of the female form. That’s enough of the modern-day, empowered lesbian having to put up with crotch-spittingly, nail-tearingly cringe-worthy examples of STRAIGHT women pretending to enjoy having sex with each other. Current lesbian porn is designed for men to enjoy, not women. And we’re sick of it. Stop ruining porn for me! (Again, Hi Mum) *Mortified Face* 

*About the Author: E J Rosetta is an LGBT Columnist and coffee addict living in Hampshire with her spoiled cat, Hendricks. More ramblings can be found at www.facebook.com/ejrosettaLGBTor via Twitter @EJRosetta

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