I think you’ll share my sentiments when I say thank f**k for Valentine’s Day being over.
It’s a sad state of affairs when you’ve been through something that makes you unable to celebrate love, even if not yours, then others.
I felt angry at people who had that yesterday. For the first time ever. And it felt like poison.
My resolution is never again let someone change me and my actions to placate them, to the point where it actually changes me… My very self… Like slow conditioning. I didn’t know before that if you stopped acting like yourself, you lost her. You can be stolen from yourself. You can be weakened and broken and then break down. It’s traumatic. But not permanent.
If someone changes you to the point that love itself makes you feel sick and full of poison, you have to fight. Not being able to be happy for others or even comprehend ever loving again…. To the point you doubt it even really exists… That is to allow someone to take the very life from you. You gonna let that happen?
If you need an ally, there’s a proud victor right here lady so let’s talk tactics sometime? Your life and you have been battered. The only reason is that we became victims is that we didn’t know how someone could abuse love, we never could! Someone dark and venomous saw a chance to use us for their gain. And damn right – we are f**king awesome! I’d want some of me if I were someone else. But I am mine all mine for now… Too precious for squandering. Too valuable. So are you.
I’ve stopped trying to make sense of K**** and why that all happened, and now I see… Of course! It won’t ever make sense. There is no reason or excuse. When I stopped looking for one to justify her abuse I became me again. I forgot about her for a while there… But she’s all sorts of excellent and I’m loving being back. I simply rock! 😜
No one will ever again take from me my relationship with love, not for myself and not for life. Your “guy” and K**** don’t see love that way. They use it. And unlike us – I don’t think love rolls over and gives in. It leaves them forever. No chances. One strike and it’s gone. Love doesn’t put up with abuse because it knows how incredible it is. See?
Abuse love and you will never be able to have it. And J***- you didn’t abuse love. It was used against you. Like a weapon. He f**ked it up, but that doesn’t make it f**ked up. Same goes for you.
I have hated and been scared of love hurting me again for a while now. But it wasn’t me with the poison… That was K****! It wasn’t my fault. Love still trusts me so I’ve forgiven it. In the right hands it is not a weapon. Ima go find those hands. (See how I didn’t make a crude joke there? SO HARD)
Please don’t let this change and poison you, or how you see love. It wasn’t you who used it. And thank Christ for that because although we can forgive… I don’t think love does. K**** and your “guy” screwed up and nearly got us down with them. Many people are trapped forever. When you’re a f**king boss again maybe we can help set them free?
I just recently decided to trust love and life itself again. It’s terrifying. But I can see life ahead of me… It’s so f**king exciting! As in anything can happen, but now I know more. I am armed. Protected. Wiser. Stronger. I am unbreakable now and soaring. Come join me, yeah?
I’m sorry someone broke you. That won’t happen again now, will it? Hard part over. Time to live. And maybe even love too. So happy post-valentines day. We got through it! How much of a relief is that, huh? Well theres something else to get through too, and it feels a hundred times better this end. I want you here by my side my little warrior. I’ll get the victory celebrations started, you bring… well… you. Because it’s twice as bright with you and we’ve had enough darkness now. Although also gin if you have any.
Look – the future! It’s breath-taking isn’t it? Once the poison wears off you’ll see it too. J*** you’re too f**king good to waste, too enchanting and flawless. And if you don’t value and spoil yourself then at least let me remind you why you should. I fought and won, it was something I never thought would happen but in one day it did, like a bolt of lightning, ripping off a plaster, most of the war is won the second you decide to go into battle.
One packed bag and one door closing behind you is all it takes. And before you start to think of all those reasons why not – Stop. He put them there. They are your chains. It is so possible and now I look back, so easy to do. Did you just sigh and say “not easy for me, I can’t”…? Now stop… Those are his chains too. You can, I did and f**k them. We have amazing things to do, I can’t wait until you’re back.
Think big babe. You can have anything you want. Anything. Go show ‘em how it’s done.
Your awesome-as-f**k and biggest fan,